A Voice of Hope

I pray that I will be able to convey the Spirit that I am trying to as I type this post. I often have a hard time relating my feelings when I am talking about something that means a great deal to me or is a sensitive subject for many. I pray that I will not have the same problem here.

I want to talk about same-gender attraction. 

Be aware that this is a girl who gets flustered talking about anything that has to do with intimacy or the feelings related to it.

I'd be more than happy if all of that was still taboo to talk about.

But as it is not, I want to put forth 

a voice of hope. 

Especially for those who feel like there is none - or at least not in this life.

**Note: I am not going to share every great or sordid detail about me life in this account - because I don't want this post to be an exposé on me. I am not going to label myself as "gay" or "bisexual," go into detail about the intimate parts of my marriage life, or delve into my mistakes or many weaknesses that I have worked to overcome (whether related or unrelated), or am still working on. Many experiences in my past have blurred with time and an attempt to repent and free myself from the negative in my life. I will do my best to be honest and sincere in what I do write.**

When I started into my teens, I didn't really understand the obsession that my girl friends had with boys. They were just people, and they were usually the funnest to play sports with. It wasn't until a few years into my teens that I realized I struggled with same-gender attraction - probably because I didn't really even know what it was, much less that it was something I should be worried about.

And it honestly wasn't a very big problem during my high school years. I treated it like any other bad thought/feeling. When it came up in my mind, I would push it out by saying a prayer and thinking of a good song or scripture. The Lord always helped me.

When I went to college, I finally realized what was going on, and I sort of became unhinged. What did this mean about my identity and who I was? This became another issue on my plate as I finally started trying to figure out my emotions, to find healing and peace. This happened at the time when there was a major outcry throughout the United States about gay rights and same-sex marriage; a few years later, the Church came out in support of Proposition 8.

There were many people who were in my position that were appalled when the Church supported Proposition 8. And I know now that I did not then completely grasp the whole "why" behind the Church's stance - in fact, I had much of it wrong. But I do know that the Church's position had me looking deeper into what the Lord expects of us as his children...and especially people like me.

There were so many people saying so many different things:

- God made you this way for a reason.

- If you don't follow your feelings, you are betraying yourself.

- You are different.

- You're a bad person if you are feeling those things.

- The Church is wrong and bigoted - it shouldn't be saying what other people should and shouldn't do. Their actions will have no effect on the Church.

- You can't change - you were born this way.

I started looking into the gospel literature for answers. The "For the Strength of Youth" manual is SO much more comprehensive today than it was when I was a teen, but even then it suggested going to see a bishop if we struggled with same-gender attraction. But how was I going to get the courage to do that? I couldn't even talk to my parents or my closest friends about it...

What I did learn through the Church's stance and through my scripture/gospel study was that there is but one way that is acceptable to God, and that does not include homosexual relationships. 

Seemingly simple, but striking, nonetheless.
I wanted to follow God, 

so I decided that I would do just that - follow him and try very hard to get rid of the feelings that I wasn't supposed to be having.

So I did. I prayed about it constantly - asking God to help me get bad thoughts out of my head, or to banish bad feelings (and yes, I do label those feelings and thoughts as "bad" - because they were bad for me as far as the direction that I wanted to go and that God wanted me to go). There was a great talk given by President Boyd K. Packer that helped me through this process more than anything else.

This wasn't the first time I'd done something like this. I remember having familiar, heart-wrenching prayers when it came to how I felt about and treated my brother as we were growing up. I always felt so angry and hurt by him and his actions, and I treated him with anger and unkindness as a result. It was only through much painful prayer and pouring tears that I was able to forgive him and myself and start behaving and becoming better.

So, I knew what to do this time. 

It wasn't easy, but I decided that if I wanted to have the blessings promised in my patriarchal blessing (marrying a man in the temple and raising children), I needed to act in faith and do my part to obtain my desire.The best expression of how this worked is described by Elder Bednar. He said, "True faith is focused in and on the Lord Jesus Christ and always leads to righteous action. ...Thus, faith in Christ leads to righteous action, which increases our spiritual capacity and power."

I continued to actively go on dates with men. I learned to care about them as people, and learned what characteristics and attributes were important to me. I continued to focus on desirable, uplifting thoughts and feelings.

I met the man I now call my husband, grew to love him, and married him 2 years later - a decision I prayed about a great deal, and had confirmed one day as I sat in the temple. It is that definite, sure feeling that marrying this person was acceptable to God that I reflect back on when times get tough - that helps me get through when I feel like giving up.

Now, how was this marriage possible? Wasn't I betraying myself? Maybe I'm not "truly gay," and so my story has no merit. Or maybe I was just setting myself up for failure in a loveless marriage that was founded on a lie.

Believe it or not, every single one of these thoughts has gone through my mind, especially since I got married. 

All except my marriage being loveless.

I think there is an exaggerated amount of emphasis placed upon sexual attraction and how it should be the basis of a marriage/the reason you get married. Before you stop reading, let me state honestly that I am intimate with my husband, physically and emotionally, and I think it greatly enhances our marriage. Being intimate both emotionally and physically is very important within the setting of marriage (something I will not go into detail about here). But the basis/foundation of our marriage is something different. Our marriage is built around our devotion to each other and God, and is ballasted by other things that we have in common. I love my husband, and I greatly admire him. He is absolutely the person I want to spend forever with.

Has my struggle affected our marriage? Of course, but not any more than it has been affected by every aspect of who I am. My hardship in this area has never been a main factor in our happiness. It's just been something I'm working on, that he has gracefully helped me with, and I believe we are better for it. Marriage is always hard - we all have things we must overcome. We all work together to come together as couples. He has had to grow in ways to strengthen our marriage, just as I have - we may not deal with the same failings/weakness, but we have the same goal, and we work together and with God to help each other become our best selves.

I have learned a great deal through my experience. I have come to realize that none of us are just one thing or even a sum of our feelings. 

None of us are bad because of what we feel. 

Feelings come, bidden or unbidden, and the only time we fail or sin or choose wrongfully is when we choose to entertain things that God has forbidden, which will ultimately lead to our unhappiness and/or downfall. This is why I have always disliked people labeling themselves as something, like "angry," or "not nice," or "gay," or "stubborn."

I am not my feelings. 

I am not gay, though I sometimes struggle with feelings of same-gender attraction. 

I am not an all-together angry person, though I do get peeved/angry/frustrated more often than I'd like. 

I am not a fearful person, though I have my fears.

I am not my feelings. 

I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, and I am who I choose to be - I choose to be a person who is striving to adhere to the Plan of Happiness laid out by my Father in Heaven. I have not "betrayed my real self" by choosing to love a man, and to live the life that I've always desired and strived for. Those feelings that I did not want were what threatened to betray me.

I have struggled through moments of doubt in this area - often severe. (Please know that these doubts were usually sparked by things happening in society, much as a woman may doubt her beauty when someone says something negative about a person of her weight/height/skin tone...) One talk gave me complete clarity and great comfort and assurance that I was not on the wrong path. It was given by President Boyd K. Packer in 2010. He said, 

"Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn temptations toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Remember, God is our Heavenly Father.

"Paul promised that “God … will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” You can, if you will, break the habits and conquer an addiction and come away from that which is not worthy of any member of the Church. As Alma cautioned, we must “watch and pray continually.” "

Oh, the peace and encouragement that teaching brought to me! I was not struggling in vain, and I was not betraying myself, and I was on the right path!

Over the past 5 years, my life has been richly blessed beyond what I could have imagined. I share a deep and loving relationship with my husband, with all the trimmings that you would expect of a normal happy couple. I still have not eradicated all unwanted thoughts and feelings, but they don't control me. They don't get center-stage. And I don't allow them to define me. I'm still learning, still growing, and still imperfect. But I am happy. I have peace and joy and love.

I am no prophet.
I am not promising these results or necessarily saying that this path will work for everyone who is experiencing a similar struggle. I'm simply sharing what happened to me.

I do not know if what happened to me will happen in this life for everyone who struggles with this, but 

I know there is HOPE. 

Many things that we cannot do alone we can do through His grace. "You can if you will," with the help of the enabling power of Christ granted to us through His Atonement.

A current apostle of God has promised it, and an ancient apostle also assured us that we "can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth [us]" (Philippians 4:13). 

"With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible" (Mark 10:27).  

"If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth" (Mark 9:23). 

"Even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words" (Alma 32:27).

Only the Lord knows what is possible for you.

Do not give up hope! 

Turn to the Lord.

He will not fail you.